Your fight. Not ours. (An almost angry American response to the Angry Russians)

The new Cold War with Russia will barely go noticed in America. Sorry.

An almost angry American response to the Angry Russians


Call me Angry American. I’m white, Anglo-Saxon and proud of it. I have a house, a business, a savings account and a backyard bunker. I own three handguns and a hunting rifle. I drive a pickup truck. I believe in Jesus Christ and live by the Three F’s: Faith, Family and Football. Notice I didn’t mention “country”. That’s not because I don’t like America, on the contrary, I think it’s the best place on Earth, God’s country, and I’m just as patriotic as any other good white red-blooded American. I just don’t like the direction this country is heading — we’re losing our way. We need smaller government, lower taxes and tighter border security. “Old school”, “Tea Party”, “redneck”, “cracker” – call me what you will.

But we can talk about this some other time. Right now I want to talk about you – the Russians. The crazy fucking Russians. Tough as a coffin nail. Hardcore, grim and unpredictable.

I’ll admit, Crimea was impressive. Sudden, smooth, quiet. Didn’t expect that from you guys. I mean, you’re Russians, “smooth” is not your style. That’s what we’ve been told, that’s what we’ve been taught and shown as long as we can remember.

And Donbass – not as smooth, but impressive nonetheless. The entire Ukrainian army can attest to that. A brutal uphill fight that can still go either way when the day is through. We love these kinds of things.

But what exactly happens when the day is through?

Some say that pretty soon we’ll be slugging out Cold War 2.0. You remember Cold War — arms race, spheres of influence, propaganda galore and competition, competition, competition – on every front, in every area. Just like the good old days, eh?

Of course this will be just a shadow of the former Cold War, the real one. I mean, there won’t even be an Iron Curtain this time, and what’s a Cold War without an Iron Curtain? This new confrontation, if you can even call it that, will be so fake, virtual and sluggish that we will barely notice it here in America. Of course, the politicians will angrily talk the angry talk. They might even do something. Nothing big though, just little spokes into the rolling Russian wheel. The Russians will respond.

But most of us, even the good white red-blooded government-hating Americans, won’t really care. Sorry to disappoint you, but somewhere along the line Russia became boring (to us). Yes, Putin is fun in the villain role, but only as a TV character and Internet meme. History may be returning to Russia, but we are on the other side of the Altantic. Give me a map – and I still won’t know where Ukraine is. And all those dead people in Donbass, even though it breaks my heart to say this, are not much different to us from the ones in Gaza, Africa or Pakistan. It’s all just too far away, too foreign, too confusing. Too Russian. Yawn.

America will not go to real war over Ukraine. I know some of you have wet dreams about this, but it just won’t happen. We’ve got enough of our own shit.

As for the upcoming Cold War, you Russians just might make the mistake of taking it a little too seriously. Let’s be honest: the previous one drained your resources and left you a broken mess. You’re not ready for a new one. Not in the condition you’re in right now. Not against the entire (still US-led) Western world. Not in the age of TOR, smart technology and never-before-seen level of consumerism. No way. THIS is a worrying sign. Angry you may be, but is this good and healthy anger? Sure you’re hungry for a rematch, sure you have a point to prove and I guess our government has indeed done a lot to piss you off. But to threaten with a crusade of Russkie justice and to throw a holier-than-thou challenge to the entire world order, knowing you don’t have the resources for it, does not seem like a smart step. Self-righteousness is a dangerous game to play. We should know.

But then again it seems you have no choice. The Russkies banding together once more, mobilizing (you like that word, I know) and doing what they do best: fighting the desperate fight. This battle is yours and yours alone. The American people are not in this, so don’t flatter yourself. The new Cold War will mean very little to us. But it will mean so much more to you. It may come to define your very existence for years to come.

Sometimes I envy you. We debate on gay marriage and health insurance for black women on welfare and you guys are living yet another incredibly dramatic and fate-defining moment in your history with war, blood and pain in daily dosages. I don’t know if that’s a “good” or “normal” thing, but I guess that’s just the way things roll in your huge, but desolate northern chunk of the world. A place that’s still so alien to us and so far away.

This piece didn’t turn out as angry as I thought it would. I guess I have no real beef with you Russkies. Not yet, at least. But we’ll see how all of this unfolds. Everything is changing so fast…

Yours truly,
Angry Bored American